Rent Real EstateRetirement Housing Decisions: Caring Without Intruding
Dependency is not the inevitable end of aging. Today people live
healthy, active, involved lives well into their eighties and beyond.
Increasing numbers of the more than 4000 Canadians who celebrated their
100th birthday (centurions, as I like to think of them) are also living
independent lives.
But stereotypes persist even though we have proof that today"s "seniors"
are not the frail, dependent, doddering individuals that remain the butt
of jokes about old age. Ageism is so ingrained in society that we may
ignore what we see around us and unconsciously revert to stereotypes
when we think about our parents" futures and our own.
"Put them in a home" sounds as dreadful to most children as it does to
the parents in question, and yet this persists as the chief role adult
children expect to play in their parents" future. (We"ll use "parents"
here although everything applies to a single parent, too.) In reality,
there is much you can do to support your parents" independence without
taking over their lives, adding to their stress or making decisions for
them.
Since home is headquarters for the new decades-long retirement, housing
that preserves and enhances independence, regardless of any physical
ills that occur, is an essential environment for successful living. This
may be a good place to begin supporting your parents continuing
independence.
Caring without intruding
Whether you are 35 and your parents are in their fifties or you"re 55
and your parents are over 75, sex and money are two of the most
difficult topics to talk to them about. In broaching the subject of
where they will live, you may be tackling both these subjects and more,
so don"t be surprised if you have trouble finding the right moment or
the right approach to such conversations. Here are a few jumping off
points to consider:
Step back and get to know your parents as the adults and
individuals they are, not the mom or dad you knew as a child.
Offers of help and demonstrations of genuine interest may be
enough. Your parents have a lifetime of experience to draw on and they
may not need your help - financial or otherwise.
If your parents are not already computer and Internet savvy,
help them get there. The freedom to explore housing projects on line
will leave them well armed to evaluate their choices first hand.
Your first task in being useful to your parents as they decide
whether their current home is a suitable age-in-place site or whether a
move is in order may be to overcome the common belief that a move will
put them one step closer to "being put in a home" and losing their
independence.
Respect your parents" right to live at risk. If you are worried
that your parents" home is not a safe, practical environment, resist the
urge to pressure them to move. Don"t treat them like wayward children by
trying to make them feel guilty about staying ("But I worry about you
all the time!"). Adopt proactive rather than patronizing approaches. For
example, instead of pushing your parents to move before they are ready
or before they find something they like, suggest the creation of
a separate suite for live-in support or barrier-free renovations that
will mean they are not making do but living well until they find what
they are looking for in a next home.
The familiar saying, "You make your own luck," is a good motto to adopt.
Lucky people are not rushed into a decision or forced to settle for
less. Your parents should feel lucky to have you on their independence team.
Editor"s note: This article is drawn from "Caring for Your Aging Parents" by PJ Wade (Coles Publishing - ISBN 0-7740-0613-7) with permission of the author.